Darling in the Franxx is an action anime that revolves around two characters—Hiro, a human, and Zero Two, who’s only half human—who never really felt like they belonged anywhere, until they reconnected again after many years and changed each other’s lives. From that point on, they could tackle anything as long as they were together.

When I first started watching this, it was kind of tough to continue. Not that it was a bad anime, but it just hit me really hard. It came at a time where there has been so much AAPI hate, attacks, and death here in the states. It hit me hard because I felt like I really related to Hiro & Zero Two, especially the latter. Zero Two was a klaxo-human hybrid and never felt like she belonged as a klaxosaur(a fictional humanoid race) or as a human and thus lived life desperately wanting to be human so she could be accepted.

I feel a lot like that. I don’t really identify with my culture and background. I haven’t ever felt fully comfortable or supported by my ethnic community, and I’ve strived so hard to not be looked at differently or looked down upon and instead to just be seen as anybody else trying to make it out in this world.

I’m going to be selfish a bit and talk about my story.

Looking back, there’s one particular incident that happened to me in 5th grade where I just felt betrayed by my ethnic community and it probably just incited this whole detachment for me. And although it was so many years ago, trauma runs deep. I’ll probably talk about what happened in a later post. But from then, I feel that my cultural identity just got more and more confusing, to the point now where I don’t remember the last time I ever had any Asian pride or desire to embrace my culture whatsoever.

I’m afraid to speak Chinese at restaurants and grocery stores because I’m afraid of being rejected even more by my own culture for my poor, broken, ABC accent-heavy Mandarin. I’d rather they assume I’m a different Asian, or that I’m just very whitewashed. Before pandemic, I was afraid to wear masks in public, because I feared xenophobic remarks just for trying to protect my health from the dirtiness of public transport.

I’ve tried so hard to be likable to everyone. To be charismatic, friendly, helpful, and cosmopolitan. Maybe inside, I thought that even if I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, it’d be okay if everyone liked me. But it’s so tough, especially with increasing social anxiety, to have to put on this facade to try and compensate for the lack of respect because I’m Asian. I started wearing glasses more because I thought it made me look more American and would help me fit in better, while at the same time idolizing looking like korean drama protagonists.

I never really thought much about all of this and it just became my way of life. But with all of these crimes lately it seems like I’m doing throwaway work—no matter how hard I fight my social anxiety to be this likable being, it won’t stop me from being looked down upon. When I take a step back, I realize just how messed up everything is—my detachment from my ethnicity is my own problem, but I really shouldn’t have to change who I am just to be accepted by everyone else…right?

Regardless, I feel even more siloed, alone, and like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m going to get attacked one day for my ethnic and cultural background but I wouldn’t even feel supported by that same community. I feel like Hiro. I feel like Zero Two. But they found each other, healed each other, and didn’t feel alone anymore. I’m hopeful to find that someday whether it be within myself, through a partner, or maybe the world will change and discrimination will go away.

This time, I don’t have a Life Lesson for you all. This time, I can’t stay strong. I can’t pretend like I’m okay. I can’t extend a helping hand to anyone who’s stuck in a similar dark hole of solitude. I’m stuck here myself. All I can offer is empathy, a listening ear, and to let you know that if you’ve ever felt a similar way, you are not alone. I’m here as well. And I hope and believe that eventually, that day will come.